A Little Rae of Light

anniversary

2008-09-16T22:51:00.000-05:00

we've been together 5 years as of today! yay!

random list

2008-09-16T22:47:00.002-05:00

temperament
sleep / wake cycles
adhd
lighting
color

quote

2007-05-03T21:03:00.000-05:00

"when i was young, the future was where all the good stuff was kept, the party clothes, the pretty china, the family silver, the grown up jobs. the future was a land of its own, and we couldn't wait to get there. not that youth wasn't great, but it came with disadvantages; i remember the feeling i was missing something really good that was going on somewhere else, somewhere i wasn't. i remember the feeling i was missing something really good that was going on somewhere else, somewhere i wasn't. i remember feeling life passing me by. i remember impatience. i don't feel that way now. if something interesting is going on somewhere else, good, thank god, i hope nobody calls me. sometimes it's all i can do to brush my teeth-- toothpaste is just too stimulating. the future was also the place where the bad stuff waited in ambush.... now i know i can control my tongue, my temper, and my appetites, but that's it. i have no effect on weather, traffice, or luck. i can't make good things happen. i cna't influence the future, and i can't fix the past. what a relief." -Abigail Thomas (A Three Dog Life: A Memoir)

Work Mostly

2006-11-06T12:05:00.000-05:00

So...it's been awhile. Lots happening in my life right now...

Work:
work is okay. it's hard. i've switched preceptors so that's thrown a kink into the whole learning process. and my preceptor has a sweet schedule so she never does weekends or 12's. so when i do those kinds of days, i'm with ANOTHER person. so i've had to learn 3 different styles and do everything the way 3 different people want me to do whatever it may be.
i feel like i can't do things the way i want to, and that people are breathing down my neck although they're meaning to be helpful. i can't wait to be in the icu with a maximum of 2 patients.

in other news, the nurses are planning on striking this next week...however, if you're under 6 months of hire, you aren't allowed to strike because the union doesn't cover you yet. so if i strike i'll most likely be fired. so i may be even a nurse in charge (NIC) or something because the hospital has 10 days to find ppl in advance notice of the strike, and who knows how many agency nurses they can get....i may be taking care of 10 patients or more.....who knows, all i know is, things are going to get scary. i won't have a preceptor or anything there with me, i'll be entirely on my own. and the best part is...JCAHO is supposed to be coming soon and they might show up right in the midst of this. i'm crossing my fingers...........

Home Life:
jordan, moose, and sigmund are all quite well. we're all settled in nicely and loving living together. we're really really happy. moose and sigmund LOVE each other. you should see them play together. hahah. :)

We're planning on moving to the north or south shore after our lease ends for our current apartment. So we'd be living on the beach. It's cheaper to live right next to the beaches than Boston believe it or not. And it's absolutely gorgeous. It'd be like a dream come true for me. Then we're planning on moving back down to the Mid Atlantic for me to start my Master's. That's all still tentative. Probably in Philly.

Extras:
i do want to say, i do love neuro. i'm really glad i picked it. the float nurses say it's one of the hardest areas, and i am figuring out why. from an academic standpoint i feel most stimulated and simultaneously challenged in neuro, which is good. i thrive on the neuropsych stuff...
i'm taking care of lots of seizure pt's where we bring them in then take them off their meds so we can monitor some of their seizures and see if they're candidates for surgery. it's cool. i saw a hugeeeee tonic clonic seizure (they're no longer calling them gran mal). 20 year old kid too.
Lots of pt's of mine have brain cancer, or aneurysms, epilepsy, subarachnoid hemorrahages....

it's very cool. i just can't wait to be off orientation. that happens the week of dec. 16th. and then i practice on my own for 2 months on the intermediate care neuro floor that i've been on for the last 2 and a half months. then i go to the ICU and start a whole new orientation down there. although i like that unit much better and the people seem nicer. much more of a family.

went to the world record jack o lantern festival in keene, NH. Most jack o lanterns in one location at one time. It was amazing. That weekend we spent out in western Mass with another couple and we did a lot of fun things, it was beautiful and so much fun.

Jordan got me the game apples to apples -- so finally i own it too! :)

i'm super excited for this new show 3lbs to start (nov. 14th i think?)...it looks like it's going to be a neuro based medical show.

And I'm making lots of my beaded jewelry, which is fun and I've been enjoying a great deal.

anniversary

2006-09-20T04:48:00.000-05:00

Jordan and I just reached our 3 year anniversary.
Things are great... :)

August/Sept Update

2006-09-05T18:48:00.000-05:00

Alright, I'm averaging about a post per month these days, so I'm due.

I start work on Monday. I'm super psyched. And a tad nervous....the good kind of nervous. The I can't wait to get this started kind of nervous. The I can't wait to meet new people kind of nervous. After having and enjoying a few months of introversion, I'm ready for a bit more balance in my life. The boards are over -- I passed, and I'm ready for the next chapter to begin.

I got my new crocs -- light blue -- to match my scrubs. of course. My name IS rachel allen afterall. Things DO need to match. The cool thing is, the hospital is going to give us our scrubs...that means no spending of my own money, and no laundry for the majority of what my attire is going to consist of. Sweet. I'm psyched. Plus, they're light blue, which will go well with my complexion. If it was like teal, or magenta or something god awful I doubt I'd be so into it. The one thing I have realized about hospital issued scrubs is that I'm going to need to get a bit more creative when it comes to expressing my own individuality and personality. Afterall, we're all going to look the same. I think I will be making a beaded neck badge holder type thing for one.

The month of August has been incredibly refreshing and peaceful. I spent a good chunk of time with the family, and David, Tracy, and Jason all came up to visit. In addition to those guys, Mary is coming to visit me this weekend which should be a blast. I can't wait. I'm glad I've gotten to spend time with a lot of good friends before the real world hits in T-6 days.

Jordan started his classes today. He finishes his Master's Degree in December so this is his last semester for it. He came up with his Master's thesis Sunday in the shower. It's fantastic and he's really excited about it, so that makes me really excited. I'm really happy it's starting to come together for him. Last year was a bit rough, with starting at a new school and doing the whole long distance relationship thing. This year he's looking forward to feeling much more established and developing his friendships into stronger longer lasting bonds. Jordan's birthday was also last week (24th). We went to the zoo, the common, had dinner with 2 of his friends at his favorite restaurant, and then went to the birthplace of boston cream pie for dessert. Lots of fun. We also hit up the aquarium the next day to see our favorite 70 year old sea turtle -- Myrtle. And the punk penguins. You will have to check his journal to see pictures of them. They're absolutely hysterical looking. I can't even explain it. www.greatestjournal.com/users/tentperson Everything is great on this front. We are loving the whole living together thing and the transition has been smooth. We are celebrating our 3 year anniversary on the 16th of this month. :D

Moose is adorable as always. So is Sigmund. He's figured out how to climb up the ladder of the loft bed -- it's so so funny to watch. Moose will be getting her little operation in the next month or so, and going to a puppy class. She is almost 6 months old now! Sigmund turned two this month. The 4turtles and 4 fish + 1 algae eater are all well also.

I think that's all for now. I will most likely update after I start working. Tomorrow morning (early early...ugh) is my physical for work.

this is a picture jordan took of me about 5 minutes before i went in to take my boards. i passed. 75 questions later. :D

The Kids

2006-08-01T10:15:00.000-05:00

Sigmund

Moose

NCLEX exam

2006-07-25T17:24:00.000-05:00

I took the boards yesterday (the NCLEX). It shut off at 75 questions. Hopefully you'll be calling me Nurse Rachel in another day or so. ;)

I'm also going to be seeing Damien Rice and Fiona Apple in concert this Friday! I can't wait.

the boston common

2006-07-17T10:57:00.000-05:00

this is the "frog pond" at the boston common which is more or less a foot deep wading pool for kids to use during the summer months. it's also where ice skating takes place in the winter. it's one of my favorite things about boston. i love the concept, and i love that it's smack dab in the middle of downtown boston.

a picture i took at cape cod this past week

2006-07-17T10:06:00.000-05:00

2006-07-15T13:30:00.000-05:00

cake batter

2006-06-18T11:35:00.000-05:00

well, last night i had "cake batter" ice cream from coldstone creamery.
one word......... WOW.
it was way too too good to be true! especially for an ice cream lover like myself.......i just might die from eating that. the richness was out of this world.

amazing.

We're Getting a Puppy

2006-04-29T14:56:00.000-05:00

Puppy.

:-D

New Pictures

2006-04-08T18:33:00.000-05:00

jordan and i in front of the humanities building at lvc (i lived right across from it when i went to school there)
harrisburg, pa

update

2006-04-08T13:42:00.000-05:00

So the update is as follows...

right now i'm in the middle of my critical care rotation. i'm at thomas jefferson hospital of neuroscience in the neuro ICU. it's awesome. i love it.

i'm still waiting to hear back from mass general. i had interviewed for their neuro ICU in february. they only have 2 new grad positions TOTAL available. talk about nerve racking. and i got my application in back in october, so that means this process has now taken over 6 months, and it's not even over yet! AND i was the first person to interview at all, so i'm waiting til they finish getting through the other applicants and then hopefully i will hear back soon. i went up and shadowed a week ago. it went really well.

i'm really busy studying for the boards (nclex). we have a huge practice exam on tuesday and if we don't get whatever score they want us to, we have to go into all this remediation and shit, so i'm hoping i do well. we have to have 1000 practice questions handed in by tuesday...ugh...

we had our critical care exam last week. i got a 92 so i'm psyched about that!

this week i got to see brain surgery (a tumor recection/craniotomy), it was really awesome. and last week i got to see the surgeon place a VP shunt (drains cerebral spinal fluid from the brain and drops it into the abdomen). very cool also. i always find some excuse to work my way into the OR. i love the OR. it's my favorite place to be. so when i get lucky enough to go, it totally makes my day. my preceptor is amazingly cool. her name is robin. she's the best! she invites me to come out for drinks with her and some of the other staff after the shift like, every week.
we do a twelve hour shift (7-7) on thursday, and again on friday.....so it's a lot, and in that regard, i'm anxious for the rotation to come to a close. but that's nothing against the rotation, i'm just starting to get senioritis.

i want to be done so bad. i can't WAIT! the warmer weather is the source of my more recent impatience i believe. it's crazy when i think about it....like...i hadn't really thought about this until this week, but i'm going to be going through 3 huge life changes all at ONE time!
i'm graduating from college, moving 8 hours from my home, and moving in with my boyfriend.....all in the same month. that's CRAZY. hahahah
oh well, i'm so excited. we've been doing the long distance thing for a full 2 years so i'm just thrilled to think we'll actually be in the same place in only a couple weeks.

jordan's really excited about sig coming up to move in with him in 2 weeks. lol. i think he's more excited about that than me moving in. haha. the apartment is really nice, we really really lucked out. we will have all new appliances, permission to have a dog, hard wood floors, 2 bedrooms (one will serve as an office mostly for jordan since he's a grad student), and it's literally RIGHT across the street from a whole foods. talk about being spoiled...rotten. it's insanely good. it's also about half a block to the T stop right on the green line (the public transportation we'll both be using to get around). we're going to have a car for the summer only so we can easily take little trips around MA and elsewhere in new england if we want. also, jordan's mom has a swimming pool at their house and this will be my first summer not having a swim membership somewhere, so i want to be able to easily get out to her place and stuff.
AND....we're getting a puppy this summer too. so we want to be able to have the car for convenience while the weather is warm. i'm hoping to go out to cape cod and stuff, and i know my family is spending a week on the cape at some point this summer. so yeah....i'm so excited i can't wait. And this will actually be my first summer not taking classes/being in school. That's also a reason to be excited. haha.

Countdown

2006-04-08T13:35:00.000-05:00

The Countdown.

2 weeks til i get to see jordan
2 weeks til i'm done with classes and clinical!
2 weeks til we bring the first load of stuff up to MA
2 weeks til we bring Sig up to MA for good
2 weeks til hopefully i finally get to go to cape cod
3 weeks until finals
4 weeks til the official move!
6 weeks until graduation!

which sex and the city character am i?

2006-04-08T13:33:00.000-05:00

You Are Most Like Carrie!

You're quirky, flirty, and every guy's perfect first date.
But can the guy in question live up to your romantic ideal?
It's tough for you to find the right match - you're more than a little picky.
Never fear... You've got a great group of friends and a
great closet of clothes, no matter what!

Romantic prediction: You'll fall for someone this year...

Totally different from any guy you've dated.

Which Sex and the City Vixen Are You?

i'm not MIA

2006-04-06T11:50:00.000-05:00

lots has been going on. my computer died, and when it came back supposedly "fixed".... it died again! so that whole ordeal took a couple weeks and finally now i have a brand NEW computer!
so i'll update very shortly. :)

my trip to Boston

2006-02-19T10:49:00.000-05:00

a snowy tree.

jordan's street.

i love this windowbox arrangement.

city hall.

quincy market.

quincy market.

quincy market.

beautiful.

quincy market.

Fanuel Hall.

Me. :)

Duncan, Jordan's Roommate and best friend from high school.

Me.

Jordan in the snow!

Fanuel Hall.

I love this angle of Fanuel Hall.

Just to show how much the snow was blowing.

The window box again.

The Boston Common.

The Boston Common.

The Boston Common.

Sledding on the Boston Common.

The three of us on the common.

Sledding!

Here are some pictures from my recent trip up to Boston (I was up visiting Jordan for Valentine's Day and doing my job interview @ Mass General). I had a wonderful time. It was the best Valentine's!

three months...

2006-02-16T21:28:00.000-05:00

3 Months.
the shelf life of a jar of pickles. a third of a pregnancy. the length of time it takes to get marijuana out of your system. a third of the entire school year. a quarter of a year. one season. length of a hibernation. training time for a marathon/run -an avg. of 5 or 6 holidays.

nursing majors!

2006-02-08T15:28:00.000-05:00

~top ten reasons to date a nursing major~

1. white scrubs are see through
2. we're clean
3. we know the anatomy of the body and all its secret places
4. we know mouth to mouth
5. two words: sponge. bath.
6. we don't gag
7. we always have a rubber on hand
8. we can go all night
9. we have restraints and we aren't afraid to use them
10. we know how to penetrate things

update!

2006-02-02T22:56:00.000-05:00

so lately a lot of good things have been happening.

tonight i had so much fun with cj, trace, and kara. we had dinner @ cj's house and stopped by kara's. and we went shopping!

and clinical was actually incredibly good today. how uplifting. :)
and tomorrow we start a new clinical rotation which I'm excited about because I'm going to be with a whole bunch of ppl that live on campus that i like a lot, tracy g., cj, kara, tracy s., vanessa, and some others! and we have a kick ass instructor -- peggy. she's awesome. i love her.

things with jordan and i are really great right now also. i miss him a lot, but we're doing really well still with the long distance situation. i can't wait till i move up there and we get to see each other all the time. i miss him more than anything. like a bad aching from within. but i'm trying to tolerate it and make the most of my time here because i know that i'll be up there soon enough and we'll have plenty of time together in just 4 months time. we just need to be patient. i'm super excited cos i haven't seen him in a month and i'm going up to boston next friday and i'll even be with him for valentine's day! :-D I'm so excited. I love him so so much... He's the most amazing person I know, and I don't know what I'd do without all of his love, friendship, and support. He's incredible. I'm so lucky.....
I want to spend the rest of my life loving him.

also...in addition to being in honors, i just got invited to be in the nursing honor society
and i am on the pinning ceremony committee! and my Hesi exam went really well. so i'm extremely relieved about that. i feel much more confident all around.

pretty awesome. :-D

Rachel!

2006-01-31T16:23:00.000-05:00

www.sloganizer.net/en/style4,Rachel.png

breakfast idea

2006-01-29T12:40:00.000-05:00

new recipe i made up yesterday that i just loved.

Take a belgian waffle, throw confectionary sugar over it. Put your favorite fruit or berries on top. Then cover it with granola, and syrup. mmmm. yummy!

Philly Love Statue

2006-01-29T12:37:00.000-05:00

challenge me, go ahead, i dare you!

2006-01-26T00:15:00.000-05:00

ok, so i definitely overreacted.

i'm totally up to the challenge.
i feel much better about it.

i can do this! i didn't go to school for 2 years for nothing. i know enough. it may not be everything, but it's something, damnit.
stupid KP scaring us to death! how silly of me!
i know that i know, even if she doesn't know that i know. :) (that was for you j)

i'm fucked

2006-01-24T14:50:00.000-05:00

i'm fucked. i don't know anything!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm going to be a terrible nurse.
if i even make it to be a nurse. i'll probably fail my boards first.

penguins

2006-01-23T20:38:00.000-05:00

i like penguins. :)
hmn.

ansy

2006-01-23T16:00:00.000-05:00

i've never felt so ansy in all my life.

i'm ready to leave. i want to move on. my purpose here in this stage of my life is fulfilled.

maybe the reason i seem so eager to grow up and do everything right away is because i so desperately need to move on from here. i need a new kind of stimulation or challenge. i need a change of scenery. i need something new. and i need it now. i'm bored with this lifestyle. with my schedule. with this school. i've done it long enough now. i've gotten enough of it. i'm so unbelievably restless i can barely stand it. like a little kid that can't sit still. i've done everything i wanted to do here, i got out of it what i had hoped to, and i'm done now. please let this just be done.

i need a change so badly. and if you know me at all, you know that i never say that type of thing.

maybe i've grown up this year or something. maybe i've adjusted to the idea of change and moving around. maybe i've finally overcome my fear of change. i dont' know what it is, but whatever it is, i think it's a good thing. i think i've really moved past some things that were obstacles for me. i'm like a different person. i'm not afraid. i'm not afraid to try something new, i feel like i have to. i feel like one of those kids in school who's completely bored with what they're doing so they find other alternative ways to entertain themselves. or they get sent to a challenging reading group or something. i believe that i too require supplementation. because i'm not being challenged. i'm not excited here. i'm done with it. period. i'm over it.

this scares me, in a way. because lately i've noticed i've been doing this with a lot of things. i am such a curious person that i am obsessed with something like, understanding how it works, or what something means, or whatever it may be, and as soon as i've gotten a clear enough picture of it in my mind, to my satisfaction, i move onto the next big question. and i'm totally over the first one. it's onto the next fascinating thing. i wonder if any of that has to do with my adhd. it might. i don't know. i'm just one of those people that like, wants to know everything. so i don't like to stick around in something i already know. i do but i don't. i get bored easily. it's like this clinic we've been going to for clinical. i was ALL about it. for a day. until i got all of my questions answered, and i saw as much as i could possibly see there. unfortunately, i still had 2 more weeks there. when a day or 2 was enough for me. i don't know....i'm a person who likes to see a lot. not just be stagnant in some place. i'm not the type of person that's going to work in a clinic FOREVER. i'd get too bored. i need to be doing lots of different things i've discovered. i need to constantly be challenged, i need to constantly be seeing new things, i need to constantly ask questions and then search for their answers.
lord help me. what am i going to do. that's not conducive to a real life grown up job.
i'm basically just a big kid. it's just not realistic i guess.

but regardless, unfortunately i'm stuck here. :graduation can't come soon enough....

changes

2006-01-21T21:33:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how all of a sudden your whole world can get shaken up out of nowhere.
How everything can change in a flash.
How your whole future can be threatened in an instant.

The only thing I can say is, I'm incredibly grateful to have someone so supportive and loving in my life. I can't imagine what it'd be like without that at the time when you need it most.

music

2006-01-18T16:16:00.000-05:00

there are few things in this world that are more powerful to me than music

i'd be lost without it

check out my boyfriend's band...they kick ass...www.myspace.com/quillmusic

i think this says it all...

2006-01-16T22:13:00.000-05:00

Sigmund Rocks.

jason

2005-12-22T12:36:00.000-05:00

definitely had the best time with jason last night. our plans changed so we ended up just talking for like 6 hours straight. i can't think of many other people that i do that with.

we have so much in common it's almost scary.....like...we're just really on the same page it seems.

and the storyline we came up with.....hilarious. hahahahaha. i haven't laughed that hard in awhile.

ah, good times.

old city

2005-12-19T19:37:00.000-05:00

at a bar called Eulogy in Old City this past weekend with libby, mary, jason, and jordan. :)

update

2005-12-19T10:39:00.000-05:00

things have been pretty busy around here lately. this is a picture from this past weekend when jordan was here visiting. tracy, jordan, and i went to constitution center for some christmas festivities. and we stopped in washington sq. on the way back (hence the picture). today was the first of our finals....pathophysiology of psychiatric disorders. it went really really well. i feel confident about it. :) tomorrow is our psychiatric pharmacology final and then wednesday we have 2 also. then i get to go home!!!! i can't wait. i just love christmas. and i'm going to love having 2 weeks off to mentally and physically relax and recooperate.
these are some pics from when i hung out with J 2 weeks ago and we played with his the camera on his new mac. haha. it was funny...

music

2005-12-08T13:47:00.000-05:00

i could listen to his voice forever.

he's amazing...

and i'm so in love with him.

love

2005-12-07T13:50:00.000-05:00

it's the little things i love so much...

try

2005-12-07T13:20:00.000-05:00

i try really hard.

psychological competency in healthcare workers dealing with psych patients

2005-12-06T16:52:00.000-05:00

but really. i sometimes wonder if healthcare ppl are in a position at all to tell others what to do.

there is an incredibly high incidence of codependent traits among healthcare professionals.

does anyone else find that to be ironic?

we're telling other people, like abusers (of any kind) that they are codependent and need to go to therapy for this, and the reality is, we tell everyone what they should be doing to get better.
we take it on ourselves. we view it as our responsibility to society and the public.

and the very nature of our profession means that it tends to attract emotionally unstable codependent individuals.
how can one offer completely neutral and professional psychiatric therapy and help if they have their own psychiatric issues?

freud got into this a bit, as did some other psychologists/psychiatrists.
the qualifications and health background mentally for someone to be considered "competent" to help/advise psychiatric patients.

psychology

2005-12-06T16:40:00.000-05:00

who are we to decide if someone is safe?

our "#1 priority as the nurse is to make sure we keep the patient safe, even when they can't keep themselves safe."

i'd like to know how and why this is our job. and how and why the medical professionals have adopted this as part of their "duty." is it really my job to take on someone's well being as my own responsibility? i mean, sure, to an extent. but how far do i go without becoming unhealthy, without becoming codependent as a patient care provider?
we think we can "fix" people and cure them. we think it's our responsiblity to get rid of diseases.
isnt' that a bit realistic of us to expect of ourselves?
surely we can make our best attempt to help someone in our efforts, but i believe that when we assume it as our duty to be responsible for them and their health, and whether or not they get better, we've gone too far as practitioners. it seems to cross over a unhealthy boundary.

i think it's awfully presumptious of us to think that we know what's better for people than they do and that since they can't adequately make good decisions, we need to do it for them.
sure, that has a place in medicine, but on a philosophical level, where do you draw the line? and what makes someone like me able to know what's better or more right for a certain patient than what they think themselves? who am i to say that?
if i'm saying someone is clinically insane and incapable of deciding what's best for themselves....how do we decide what insane is?
isnt' it all relative?
being obsessed with learning psychiatry and diagnosing patients and working with that population could be a type of insanity. a type of insanity that is telling another person that they in fact are the insane one's incapable of decision making. how is that right?

that's just it, insanity isn't clearly defined.
who are the doctors to decide these things?
of course, the education argument. they were trained, yadda yadda yadda.
sure. but isn't it all about perception?

what i might perceive as insane is not necessarily what another person perceives as insane.

someone might perceive me as insane, while i may think i'm completely competent and qualified to make decisions for someone that i consider to be insane.

i don't know.
just another thing i thought about today.

overbearing women

2005-12-06T16:35:00.000-05:00

something i thought about today...

i know women were oppressed for a very long time. and to a certain extent they still are. and i don't agree with women who stay in submissive roles....but.... can it go to the other extreme too?
lately i've begun noticing women who have no tolerance from anything less than what they deam appropriate from a man. i mean, sure, it's great to have expectations and to not "settle," but have some people gone too far?
i wonder if some women have ended up being overly defensive and rigid and super critical of men in general, to the point of unfairness, to the point of having unrealistic expectations and oppressing men in a sense.

i mean, sure i believe women should stand up for themselves. but i don't think that simply being a woman means you should do that constantly. there are times to admit you're wrong, even to a man. there are times to admit the man might have a point. and you shouldn't ignore that just because you're a woman and you "deserve whatever you want." if you become that kind of a person, you've become what you were avoiding in the first place. if you wanted to avoid male domination, becoming a female dominator isn't exactly the healthiest way to do that.

just a thought...

publishing an article

2005-12-06T16:33:00.000-05:00

today, mary bouchard said she wants us to publish our sex ed presentation in the form of an article.

so i'll hopefully get published this year....

very cool.
especially if i do end up going into public health. ;)

my one manic psych patient

2005-12-06T16:29:00.000-05:00

one of our patients in the psych ward started clanging this past week.
it was hysterical.

the best part is, Bush is what precipitated the clanging. so he clanged about bush.
he's obsessed with bush. hm, i guess that would be a delusion of reference. since he claims to have talked to bush about marrying his mother. he's dying to marry bush's mother. yes, delusion of reference i'm quite sure. ha ha. let's hope i can learn all these delusions and illusions and hallucinations and everything else for psych before finals in a little over a week!

fortunately all my finals will be entirely on psych. which i'm excited about because it means that it's only one concept/topic to focus on. that helps me immensely.

but...it's an insane amt. of powerpoints, and she won't give a real studyguide. so basically i need to do a TOOOOOONNNNNNNN of work to get ready.

am i wrong?

2005-12-05T21:46:00.000-05:00

maybe i've been all wrong.
i don't know.

i don't know what to think.
maybe i need to be more patient?
i think i've been really patient with a lot of things. but maybe it hasn't been enough. maybe i need to do MORE of it. but i am not the one who changed the plan.
the plan was changed on me. so it's not like i brought up something completely ridiculous that i just decided was a good idea one day. we had talked about this. we were fine with this earlier.
i'm just not sure what changed.

i guess i jsut take ppl seriously. when they say they'd like to do something, i believe it and get used to the idea. even if i had never really expected it or thought of the possiblity before. so i adjust to the whole thing and then you change it on me? *sigh*

i took you seriously.
you said you were ready. now you're rethinking that.
and all the while you're playing with my emotions and it hurts my trust in you that you never seem to stick to your word.

wendy

2005-12-04T19:51:00.000-05:00

i just had the first normal conversation i've had with wendy in years.

crazy.
but nice.

long distance

2005-12-03T08:53:00.000-05:00

long distance relationships are crappy.

sure, sometimes they're unavoidable, but... nontheless, crappy.

how you show your love in a long distance relationship is completely different from that of a normal relationship.
you can't show the person how much you love them, in the same ways that you want to, while your hundreds of miles apart. you just can't.
in a long distance relationship you show love through patience, understanding, trust, and by planning visits to see one another.
while this is nice, it's not for me. i want to show and demonstrate my love in a different way.
with my current relationship i feel like i've been patient and all of those things for a really long time.
not only that, but i've only actually gotten to enjoy being with the person i'm with for 8 months total. i've spent 15 months doing a long distance setup, and i'm tired of it.
i've done long distance with him from
-massachusetts to harrisburg
-philly to harrisburg
-harrisburg to baltimore
-and most recently, philly to massachusetts

that's a lot of long distance. frankly i'm ready to be near the person i love, for awhile. i've put up with all this distance crap for so long so that we could eventually be together. now i just want to do that.
and in all honesty, it's amazing we've done as well as we have from so many hours away for so long. 2 hours wasn't bad, i was actually pretty comfortable with that. but 6 hours is bad.
i'm older now though, my life circumstances are changing......and i'm just not really willing to continue doing a long distance relationship. i've stuck it out long enough. i've been really really patient. about a lot of things. it's time to start to move forward. it's time to get the payback for all that hard work and effort.

frankly, i'm really really tired of having to work so hard at our relationship. it's not that i don't love him. it's not that i don't want to be with him. i'm tired of the effort it takes to keep this kind of thing going from 300 miles away. I want it to be easy. the reason we always have to work so hard is because keeping a long distance relationship going is certainly not easy. all relationships require constant attention and effort -- but not like this.
it's all the little things too...like...

figuring out how to make someone feel loved from 300 miles away.
figuring out how to feel apart of your loved one's life from so far away.
realizing that you completely put all of your trust in someone who's that far away.
realizing the need for extremely good communication skills.
and being able to realize and keep in mind, the big picture.

sure, it's healthy to our relationship that we've learned these skills, but there comes a time when you need to draw the line. you can only be happy doing that kind of thing for so long.

i want to be with him now. i want to live together.
i'm tired of having to work so hard and expend so much energy.
i want to live with him. i want to actually see him everyday. i want to sleep with him everynight.
i want us to live with our cat, and get a dog.
i want to go grocery shopping together.
i want to take showers together.
i want to sleep together.
i want to cook together.
i want to watch TV together.
and still have our own time to ourselves, and our work.

but, i've lived on my own for 2 years now. i'm really ready for a change.

i want the stress that we've had for two years (which is what it'll be by the time i finish school) trying to make this thing work, to be done. we both need to rest and enjoy each other. i want to try this out. if it doesn't work out, then fine. but i feel 99% confident in it. it's something you just know i guess. i know it will work. after what we've been through there's no question. this is the easy part now. it's not like we've jumped into it without understanding what we're getting ourselves into. we've done the hard part. this is the easy part now. we've done enough work and tweaking and everything.

can we just be together already?

i need you to have confidence in me

2005-12-01T13:19:00.000-05:00

the other thing is.......time is flying.
we're already to december. c
hristmas will be here before you know it.
and spring always FLIES.....especially this year.

i feel ready to be done here. mentally i'm already on to the next step of my life.
in the words of a friend "we've spent the last couple months hashing out issues so that the future can be good." it's true. the issues have been dealt with. nothing is really an issue anymore except this distance thing. which there's nothing that can be done about. so i've gotten to where i need to be. now i just need to be there.

the thing i need most right now, more than anything, is to not feel like people are getting cold feet on me. cos this is a huge move for me. this is a big deal. i've never done anything of this magnitude before. i need help. i need support. the last thing i can handle right now is other people not being confident in "the plan" or having cold feet about "the plan," because i'm trying so hard to have all the confidence in the world right now about a change of this nature. but when my support network starts doubting things, and starts getting cold feet, it sends me into a state of freaking out. i need my support system TO have confidence right now. i need that more than anything.....i don't have parents that support me. so this is everything to me... i'm feeling just awful lately without that confidence from the people i care about and respect most. i need you to be confident in me. confident that things will work out. confident enough to give it a chance.
i need it. i can't do this move without it. i can't do this distance without it. i need that support.....

......and i have been lost lately without it.

job app's

2005-12-01T10:21:00.000-05:00

ok.
so far this is what i have....

i've applied to the following positions @ Childrens Hospital Boston:
1.psychiatry unit
2.med/surg ICU
3.neuroscience unit
4.cardiac ICU
5.organ transplant unit
6.emergency dept.

i've also applied to the following @ Hershey Medical Center:
1. emergency dept.
2. Surgical ICU

and i've applied to the "graduate nurse" program @ Mass General which basically means my resume gets sent to all their dept's i think. and i specified on it that i wanted ICU/critical care experience.

all i have left to do now is apply to Penn -- i still might add more boston one's i want if i can find them. maybe Saint Elizabeth's. we'll see. Actually, I've even toyed with applying to the only hospital on the cape (cod that is)... i dunno. there is a hospital in amherst too...

I'm back to thinking I would like to do the nurse anesthetist program primarily but perhaps pursue a public health degree later on. SO I would be getting my PhD in nursing anesthesia. Well, it's not exactly a PhD b/c it's not researched based. It's going to be a clinical doctorate, so it would be labeled as something else. but you get the idea. basically i'd be a doctor. of nursing. :-D

I feel really really anxious right now because I have no idea where I'm going to be in 6 months and I feel like I have to know now. I hate not having a plan. I hate not knowing what i'm doing. I thought I had it all figured out but about a month ago things changed on me. Now I've been forced back into a state of disequilibrium and insecurity again. I want to know where I'm going in 5 months. I need to know. I don't feel secure if I don't! And I feel that I really need to feel secure right now while I'm having all these academic demands being placed on me as well as trying to maintain a long distance (6hrs) relationship all year. For my peace of mind I have to know what the hell is going on! Everything I've had to be doing lately is future oriented. So of course I've been thinking in the "future" mindset lately. I have to. My parents keep asking a million questions that I don't have the answers to. It's really frustrating. I'm scared. I could really use some reassurance.

update on the application process

2005-11-28T20:16:00.000-05:00

So, I was planning on applying to a bunch of hospitals for an ICU position. Mainly I'd love to land the position @ Mass General in Boston. It's my top choice. I decided, I'd apply to ICU's at a variety of hospitals in Boston....but, i'm also going to apply for some positions other than ICU @ Mass General only. I'm definitely going to apply for psych and peds if possible.

I've decided I'm really into psych/neuro. It's been my best subject so far in nursing school.
I can't wait to see how I like critical care next semester...

nursing luncheon

2005-11-28T20:09:00.000-05:00

nursing luncheon (Mary Schaal, the chair of our nursing department)

nursing luncheon

2005-11-28T20:08:00.000-05:00

nursing luncheon -- Mary Schaal, Andrea Dubois, Angelina Arcamone, Tiffany Thomas, Andrea Bria, and me
Dr. Schaal wanted to meet with the NSGA representatives/officers for a nice luncheon to discuss a variety of topics and offer feedback about the program, etc. It was nice.

nursing luncheon

2005-11-28T20:07:00.000-05:00

nursing luncheon -- rachel foster, jen o'malley, marion leary, and mike kolodjeiz (sp?)

*A Little Rae of Light*

anniversary

random list

quote

Work Mostly

anniversary

August/Sept Update

The Kids

NCLEX exam

the boston common

a picture i took at cape cod this past week

cake batter

We're Getting a Puppy

New Pictures

update

Countdown

which sex and the city character am i?

i'm not MIA

my trip to Boston

three months...

nursing majors!

update!

Rachel!

breakfast idea

Philly Love Statue

challenge me, go ahead, i dare you!

i'm fucked

penguins

ansy

changes

music

i think this says it all...

jason

old city

update

music

love

try

psychological competency in healthcare workers dealing with psych patients

psychology

overbearing women

publishing an article

my one manic psych patient

am i wrong?

wendy

long distance

i need you to have confidence in me

job app's

update on the application process

nursing luncheon

nursing luncheon

nursing luncheon

A Little Rae of Light